Monday, June 9, 2008

The time has come...

Well's about the time. Time to say goodbye for a whole year and a half. It feels weird. It feels not real. It doesnt feel like I am really leaving. I am not sure that it will really hit me until I am at the MTC and I walk one way and my family walks the other. Wow, what a weird thought. I am excited though! I am ready to go. I cant imagine what it's going to be like...i've tried but I have nothing really to go on. Hopefully while I am on my mission, i'll get better are writing more consistantly and I'll be better at blogging when I come home. haha Well..goodbye blog world. It's been nice knowin ya. See ya in a few...okay bye!

Saturday, April 26, 2008


I have had a lot of memories flooding back to me in the past few days. Some are memories that I wish I could just let myself forget. Others, I hope never fade. Through all my thinking, this is what I have concluded: I hate change. I always have and I think that I always will.

This time of year is always a little sad. Everyone is packing up to move home for the summer or off to summer jobs. Everyone is moving on. It is especially sad for me this year. I can’t help but think that this may be the last time that I see some of the people that I consider myself to be most close to. I hope it isn’t. If I didn’t have such a strong burning desire to preach the gospel, keeping these feelings at bay may be difficult.

As much as I hate change, I can see its purpose in my life, especially lately. Change transforms people. I had an experience about a year and a half ago that has changed my life forever. In the aftermath of it, I was miserable. It was hands down the worst time in my life. I wasn’t happy. I had lost my smile. I was going through the motions of living my life. Somehow, and I still don’t really know how, I managed to pull myself out of the rut and make myself live again. This was not without a lot of help from family, good friends, and most of all, my savior.

Now, who I was back then and how I am now, don’t even seem like the same person to me! Last week I had the opportunity to go through the temple for the first time. As I was getting ready to go do my endowment, I looked myself over once more in the mirror. I didn’t even recognize myself. The sad girl I used to be was gone. In her place, was a happy, confident, radiant girl that knows what she wants and is trying her best to achieve it. I thought maybe I was just being silly, but as I was driving with my mom to meet the rest of my family at a restaurant after, my mom turned to me and said “You look so different. You look..angelic”.

My point is that change, while sometimes sad, makes us who we are. So many times you hear people say they want to “find themselves”. Instead of trying to find ourselves, we should be creating ourselves! You are who you choose to be. Had I chosen to remain in a dark place, I wouldn’t have come to Utah State. I probably wouldn’t be preparing to go on a mission. I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to serve in the Relief Society presidency in the USU 49th ward. I wouldn’t have met some of the most amazing people that are currently in my life. I wouldn’t have a “Disney family” (you know who you are, haha). I wouldn’t have found out for myself that my testimony isn’t dependent upon my parents.

And so, in conclusion (haha this sounds like a term paper. What can I say? I’ve had to write a LOT lately!) I just want to throw out the scripture that got me through my rough patch in the hopes that maybe it can help someone else go through a difficult change. I am who I am today BECAUSE of the experiences that I have had, not in spite of them. “Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come here-after, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory, the hour is not yet, but is night at hand” (D&C 58:3-4)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Life Is A Funny Thing

Isn't it funny how you never know where life will take you? You can make all kinds of plans that never happen. You can think you know exactly where you are going and then are headed in a complety different direction altogether. This is how I feel about my life right now. I am headed into the unknown, taking a huge leap of faith. And I would be lying if I didnt say that I am utterly terrified of what is in store. Excited, yes..but feelings of fear and doubt keep finding me and leave me paralyzed. Now more than ever, I lose myself in my own thoughts. I could sit and think for hours and my mind would still be just as cluttered as it was when i began. Yet, through it all, one thing always remains the same. The subtle feelings of calm and assurance that wash me to the shore right before I am seemingly swept away under deep currents. Burning in my soul of truth. Strengthening the desire that began all these strange yet exhilarating connections in the first place.

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Poor Blog That No One Reads!

So i realized something today. Something that is kinda sad. I'm afraid that there are 2..maybe 3 people that ever read this blog. And so I thought to myself..self, why are you even writing this blog when no one is even really reading it? I mean, I go read some peoples blogs and they facinate me without ever even knowing the person, and yet I can't imagine my blog ever being that type. And so, I thought about not writing anymore. But then I realized that sometimes this blog is more for me than for anyone else. I like to look back at the funny things i posted. Writing about my frusterations helps a lot! And so..even if no one does read my blog..i will keep blogging! I'll blog until the cows comes home! ..mostly cuz it's easier than keeping a journal. haha Okay so now for news:
1. I started my mission prep class and totally love it!
2. I went and talked to my bishop and got my mission papers started, yikes!
3. I started the elementary education program. It's so much fun! My classes are a blast and the girls that I am taking them with are so much fun!
4. I got my teaching assignments: Mr. Bensons 4th grade class for 5 weeks (please bless his first name isn't Craig..that would just be too weird!!), and then Mrs. Nelsons 5th grade class (I sure hope she doesnt go missing! haha, i'm a dork!) I'm a little disappointed that I got grades that are upper and so close together but I'm sure i'll love the kids no matter what!
5. My new roommates Brittany is way fun! we like her lot and get along really good!
6. Anne and Benji, after calling off the wedding over the Christmas break, have gotten back together and moved the wedding up to March. So after March, i'll only have 2 roommates and an extra bedroom to spare. So if any of ya'll want to come visit me, that would be fun!
7. The Aggies take in their arch rival TOMORROW!! and I couldn't be more excited. We play the New Mexico Aggies..yeah can you belive that? They totally ripped off our mascott! We are going at 1 to wait by the doors so that we can get our usual front row seats. So if you dont have anything going on the game. It's sure to be a goond one!
Okay that's all for now and I am off to my psychology lab. Hurray! And then..I'm going home..and taking a nap. Yes, it's only week one and I already need a nap. Phew, this semester is gonna wipe me out!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


As another year ends and a new one begins,
I think back on years past.
I think of lessons I have learned the hard way.
I think that friends that have been lost.
I think of hearts that have been broken and tears that have been cried.
I think of memories that are beginning to fade.
I think of how much I hate growing up.
I think if I had it my way, I would be a kid forever.
I think of new discoveries I have made.
I think of secrets that have been told and kept.
Bonds that have been made, some broken others sealed for the eternities.
I think of changes. Changes in hearts. Changes in opinions. Changes in me.
When I think of these things, my heart aches.
It aches for the past. It aches for “do-overs” and mistakes to be undone.
It aches to take back spiteful things
done in haste of childish behavior that somehow slipped out.
But the only word coming to my mind is Impossible.
I can’t change my past. I cant unmake the mistakes that were made.
This word ..impossible..doesn’t dull the ache but only makes it grow stronger.
And I find myself asking the age old question “Who am I?”.
But as I ponder this question, a better one comes to mind, “Who do I want to be?”
For, you see, dwelling in the past will only drag you down into a whirlpool of self doubt.
It is not our past actions that determine who you are.
It is only how you choose to live now.
And so as another year end and a new one begins,
I look forward to who I will become as a result of my actions tomorrow.

Friday, November 30, 2007

It's always fun when Gwen Comes Home!

I pretty much have the cutest family in the whole world! When i went to come home this weekend, my mom jumped on the piano and Samantha and Vince sang "I'ts always fun when Gwen Comes" (also known as "It's always fun when Grandpa Comes"). But they didnt stop there. My mom then played the song in a minor key and they sang "It's always sad when Gwen goes home". It was SOOO funny! You can go see it on Mary's blog at Very cute! Thanksgiving was so great! I love spending time with the family...even if they all can kick my trash at guitar hero. I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over so i'll be done with this semester and with work and I can go home for two whole weeks!!! :)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Another big 10...

Now for 10 more things I am thankful for:
1. The fact that I am not married to a bum face boy...yet
2. The cute kids in the class i went to visit today
3. My electric gets cold here in Logan
4. Thanksgiving dreams..I wasn't sure how to word this until Sammi posted about it. But every night this week, mashed potatoes have filled my dreams!
5. A cute dad who drove all the way up to Logan to get my cell phone to me..Love you, big guy!
6. Only having 5 more weeks at my job, woooot!!
7. The fact that every time i go home (even though it's usually only been about 2 weeks or so) My family acts like they haven't seen me in forever and is always so excited!
8. Neil Diamond...When no one else would come, Shilo you always came!!
9. Chocolate covered pretzels
10. My institute class..I feel the spirit every time I go to that class!